We are two months short of Mike’s 6th year past diagnosis. My very first blog post stated “I hope this blog ends up being an awesome testimony of God’s healing and restoration.”
I haven’t posted many updates lately. I’ve been in a place where I just couldn’t see purpose in all of this anymore. I didn’t feel like it was worth it anymore. Not feeling like you have a voice or purpose is an awful feeling. Especially since I’ve always been such a big advocate of HOPE. I reached a place where individually I felt like my life was somewhat hopeless and was being wasted. I didn’t feel like I was living fully anymore, I was simply going through the motions. I didn’t even know what to hope for anymore if I did dare to hope for anything. To put it simply, I’ve just felt like a mess and was hurting a lot.
As I’m typing this, things have changed for the better since the darkest of the days.
I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to share, when, how and where. I’m not sure if I should be writing, speaking, etc. But I do know that I’m not going to sit back and let this past 6 years be for nothing. I’m not going to stop believing that there is purpose in this hardship. That I have purpose.
Many have heard 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness” But I want to back it up to 7 and 8 where Paul speaks of the thorn in his flesh, a messenger of satan, to torment him. Paul pleaded three times with the Lord to take it away from him. How many of us have something that TORMENTS us? I know I have had many things in my life that I BEGGED God to take away. God’s response was not to take it away. God said “My GRACE is SUFFICIENT for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I will be the first to admit that this has been a season of weakness for me. But Grace. My afflictions eclipsed by His glory.
I will never forget sitting in front of my husband’s oncologists office in 2012 wondering what we have done wrong to be facing a terminal cancer diagnosis. Certainly a good Christian would not be diagnosed with cancer. Certainly this is a direct result of sin. I opened my bible app and the verse that day was John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” He never promised that we would have an easy life! He actually TELLS us we WILL have trouble! He DID HOWEVER, promise us GRACE. Grace can get us through all circumstances.
As simple as that sounds, its not always something that feels attainable. I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking I have this all figured out. Being a caregiver is hard.
God’s grace shows up IN OUR WEAKNESS. IN OUR HURT. IN OUR BROKENNESS. IN OUR IMPERFECTIONS. IN OUR MISTAKES. God’s grace can eclipse all of that!
Grace allows us to still have thankfulness, to still have joy, to still have peace…even in the midst of our hardest days. His grace and forgiveness washes away even our biggest mistakes. Or maybe sometimes Grace just realistically looks like “Hey, I survived today. I had patience today. I had peace today. Well, maybe not even in every moment…but I was those things when I didn’t think I could be.” I think we sometimes have a hard time really comprehending the big picture. For me personally, when I think of Grace….I think of surviving moments that felt helpless. I think of coming up for air when I felt like I was drowning and didn’t have the energy to even tread water. I think of the days I was able to remain calm and patient when everything around me was spiraling out of control.
My husband was a Marine for 21 years. Two years after he retired, a month after our youngest turned 3, he woke up one day severely confused to the point that he could not even function. He had taken Thursday day off work to blow bubbles with our youngest daughter before leaving the next day on a business trip to Japan. He was really confused that morning though. He was looking in the fridge for his socks and said he needed help getting dressed. I knew something was wrong, so I loaded the two of them up and went to the ER. Initially they realized he had no right peripheral vision and they ordered a CT Scan. They found a mass on his brain and ordered an MRI. That night we spoke to a brain surgeon and were told that we were going to stay the night while they got his brain swelling under control and then we should go home and get our affairs in order and prepare for him to have brain surgery the next week. The doctor suspected it was a high grade cancer. To make a long story short, he was diagnosed with Glioblastoma which has a prognosis of a weeks to a few months with no treatment, or maybe about a year WITH treatment. People don’t survive this cancer generally speaking. Less than 4% live to see 5 years past diagnosis.
Mike went on hospice in January 2015. While he was on hospice, our 15 year old became pregnant. That entire situation was a huge lesson for me on grace. How to give it and how to walk in it. In Dec 2015 our grandbaby was born while Mike was still on hospice. After a year and a half on hospice, Mike was removed. He is much like a dementia patient as he struggles with self care and memory. He requires 24 hour supervision and assistance. Through all the struggles, all the stress, all the overwhelming moments, God’s grace has sustained me.
God’s grace is bigger than our mistakes. And have I ever made mistakes.
God’s grace is bigger than our brokenness. And I am the first to admit I’m broken.
God’s grace is bigger than our mess. I am a mess at times. I’ve made messy decisions…I don’t have all this figured out quite yet.
God’s grace is bigger than our PAIN. And let me tell you, I’ve experienced pain this year. All the emotional pain of the last 6 years hit me hard and took me on a downward spiral. I can’t be the only one who has experienced this. Nothing specifically changed on the outside, but on the inside all of a sudden I just felt Raw. Broken. Hopeless.
At my lowest, as God always does, he swooped in and saved me… Again. And I have a feeling He will do this again and again and again.
The Session this week is called “Call it Grace” and those three words are what inspired this entire blog post. Log into Facebook and check us out April 21st at about 7pm Eastern time and hear more about the life saving power of grace.