Having a disabled husband takes a toll on ones emotions. Him being “terminal” BUT outliving expectations – that throws in a unique mixed bag. If I don’t appreciate a moment with him, I feel guilty. If I feel burdened even for a moment, I feel like I WILL feel guilty.
Little things are big things.
We are visiting family and we all sat around and played cards. Except Mike.
Some went out to a restaurant last night…except some of us…Mike couldn’t go and he couldn’t be left alone. I couldn’t help but think of how it SHOULD have gone (in my mind) The teen could have watched the littlest and us adults could have enjoyed an evening out together.
Our families all went to the park yesterday. Half of mine had to stay home. Again, because Mike couldn’t go and couldn’t be left alone. I’m hiding in the bathroom because I couldn’t hold the tears in. I put a smile on my face and have laughter in my heart….but….everything is emotionally hard.
Being around couples and families is hard. Mike and I will never have double date nights again. We won’t have game nights. He can’t have deep conversations. We won’t do fun vacations and getaways.
When he can join us, he won’t be in the pool with the kids, he won’t be throwing a football or running around the playground. He won’t be lifting the kids up to reach the things that can’t reach, and he won’t be there to catch them if they fall. My 9 year old feels the pain of that reality.
Every fun thing I do is missing half of my heart. I can smile and laugh and have fun. But that missing piece because Mike can’t experience it with me always hurts.