Surviving is one thing, but THRIVING and SURVIVING WELL is my goal for Mike. It’s my goal for me and my kids as well. We faced hospice. I planned his funeral. I picked out a cemetery, funeral home, casket. I organized photos for a celebration of life slideshow to play at his funeral. I came to terms with the terminal diagnosis.
I choose joy. I choose to be grateful. I choose to focus on good and happy things. I focus on the blessings.
Grief. That’s one thing I didn’t allow myself to admit daily. The first days of school when Mike was home in bed…I focused on being thankful he was alive. The 4th of July celebrations I haven’t taken my kids to. Our 9 year old has never seen a fireworks show. She had just turned 3 when he was diagnosed. She doesn’t remember the 4th of July when she was one and two. The fact that he still doesn’t realize that our 2.5 year old grandbaby is our grandbaby. The fact that he doesn’t remember our daughters wedding last month. He doesn’t remember that she moved out to her first apartment. He asks if we own our house. If he has a wallet. If he can call his Dad (who passed away over a year ago) I grieve the baseball he can’t play. The movies he can’t watch. (because they lead to anxiety and fear because he can’t separate a tv show from his reality) The restaurants we don’t go to because of the noise level or his difficulty walking. I grieve the enjoyment he should be able to have. The vacation we just took but didn’t enjoy at all. The runs he used to love. The financial wisdom he had. The concerts we don’t go to. The advice I know he’d be giving his kids if his brain was still the same. The conversations we should be having. The experiences we should be enjoying. The married couples we should be bonding with together.
WHOA. That is NOT where I meant for this blog to lead…but I just started to type and this is where it ended up.
I guess someone needed to read this. I’m just going to stop there because I went down a rabbit hole that I didn’t intend on going down.
I will pick up on surviving and thriving in another post. 🙂 Facing grief is an important step in forward momentum.