The struggle in hopes and dreams

It drives me absolutely crazy that I don’t know what my future holds, that I can’t have a plan, that I can’t even really hope for anything specific. What is my future going to look like? Am I going to be a caregiver for a long long time? Am I going to face even more pain and loss? Can I even focus on me and have dreams and hopes of my own or does that overfill my plate too much and take away from the most important job I have right now of being the head of my household? Am I to be still in this season? I don’t think so. I’ve been still for so long. Am I to step out and do more? I think so. How is that even possible? That’s the part I take day to day.

Yesterday was a wild day and I had evening plans to do the live streaming for church. Mike kept wandering off away from the house. I was in the bathroom for a few minutes and things got silent so I rushed out just in time to see Caralyn and Mike outside near the lake. He had opened the door for her not realizing you don’t just open a door and let a toddler to run out. As soon as he realized she was leaving he tried to go after her but he is unsteady. Yesterday was a highly anxious and agitated kind of day for Mike. He wasn’t content with anything and repeated a loop of anxious questions all day. “Is my Dad ok? Do we make money? Where’s my wallet? Where are the kids? The baby needs you.” Is what I heard all day. (Caralyn didn’t need me. He was terrified she was going to get hurt even just sitting and watch tv.) Good enjoyable moments at home for him seem to be few and far between.

Kenzie had to go to the doctor yesterday and I left him alone for an hour thinking he’d sleep through it. A neighbor caught him wandering away and went it and took him back into the house.

I want to do so much for others but I try to keep my commitments to people who allow me to be flexible. I work with people who I know I can call and say “I’m sorry, I tried but I just can’t leave my house right now.” For a long time and often still, I let the full plate determine my plans. I see that I can’t fit any more on my plate, so I don’t even try….but when I keep moving forward, sometimes just enough is cleared from my plate for me to fill it with the next thing.

Yesterday was completely insane until the moment I walked out the door. Even 10 minutes before I was like “How is this even going to work?” I just kept moving forward in faith that I’d walk out that door, and it worked. I walked out the door and was only 2 minutes later than I planned.


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