Life is overwhelmingly demanding for me these days. My business is going awesome which means it needs time. My priority is Mike and the kids, but having this established income down the road is so important to me just in case. Mike is so toddler like. – only like a toddler in a grown up body. He has the best heart. He wants to help always. I try to focus on how sweet it is that he wants to help and not get mad that he is emptying closets and rearranging furniture. lol He’s exhausting though. When the baby was a newborn he tried to feed her a Subway sandwich. Now he tries to hand her a whole pie or a bag of pecans. He just can’t understand.
Tonight Mike was being anxious about trying to feed the baby things she can’t have. Kenzie smashed her finger in the door. Mike was trying to pick up pieces of dirt off the floor and stood up and hit his head quite hard on the corner of a shelf. The baby was fussy on my hip and getting heavy. In that moment I just wanted to be on a beach somewhere. In that moment I didn’t feel incredibly blessed and thankful for my life. I’m pulled in so many directions at any given moment.
I will say though that Mike is so appreciative. No one will EVER love me like Mike loves me.
I really need a home health aide to help with Mike. It is an out of pocket expense that I think I might be able to do now that I have LuLaRoe income coming in. It’s just hard to pay someone else to do things like shower and dress him when I can do it. This week I did start someone twice a week just for a quick shower and shave. I’m looking for another one also. It’s just mentally draining having to bathe 3 people before myself every day. I start with helping Kenzie get her shower, then I bathe the baby, then I have to shower Mike and get him dressed. I’m exhausted by the time its my turn.
Mike hates that he knows his brain doesn’t work right. He knows there are things he wants to do to help. He will empty the closet and want so badly to finish the job but he just doesn’t have the mental capacity to do it.
So thats where we are. I don’t use the word hope much anymore…what is there to hope for? If this is as good as it gets – “surviving” – That’s hard. I do still hope for a miracle for restoration for Mikes brain and our family. Just surviving isn’t enough. Not after this long. It has been 4.5 years of surviving…we want to live again. Survival mode is tough.