The past week I’ve been telling myself that I needed to sit down and blog. There are SO MANY of you out there who have let Mike into your hearts, even though you have never met him. I appreciate that so much and I love that we are in the thoughts and prayers of people who we have never met. The visitor count in the blog stats are over seventy thousand which leads me to believe that we have done what we set out to do – we have made a difference.
We hope that we have given encouragement, knowledge and hope.
With that said, I’m not going to sit and just write for the sake of “hearing myself talk”. Lately I’ve been wondering if this blog has reached its end. I know our story isn’t over, but there are things that I just can’t bring myself to share. The biggest struggles lately are emotional ones. The more I share, the more the blog becomes about me and less about Mike and I just don’t know how I feel about that. Any update that I share on him feels like a broken record…confusion, headaches, lots of sleep, anxiety of a terminal illness.
If I really share the struggles of being a caregiver to my husband, (in what has turned into being a very LONG battle) I feel very guilty thinking that it might sound like I’m complaining or feeling sorry for myself, so I keep it to myself and share privately with other caregivers who I feel like I can help. There are some things that I feel are too raw and too deep for those close to me to read about, but I do share them privately with other caregivers when I have the time.
Please, please, please, caregivers….know you aren’t alone.
Mike’s experience with GBM is unique being a longer term fighter. I feel like sharing our daily ups and downs aren’t really a help to anyone anymore. Overall, I feel like I have already covered the general things that a brain cancer patient and the family faces on a day to day basis.
The emotions I experience…I don’t feel comfortable sharing here anymore.
These photos are a snippet of one of the most amazing couple of hours that Mike has had in weeks. I truly believe that having friends around brings momentarily healing in ways. He crashes hard after they leave, but there is a light in him that shines so bright when friends are around. Friends are few and far between these days.
I wasn’t planning on doing this but I have to honor our friend Josh in this post. He brings over donuts every single Friday for Mike, he climbs in the attic when I need something, took us camping, brings us food, he is a true SERVANT, just as Jesus would love for us all to be. His wife is equally awesome as she keeps me lighthearted and laughing. She has brought food, coffee, a listening ear. One night I was very bummed and she had the night out from her family and she chose to sit in my house and watch a movie with me because I couldn’t go out. Them stepping in and being a friend and becoming family is hands down the biggest blessing I’ve received. Doing life alone is scary. Thanks to them and others, I’m not doing life alone.
I have other friends who are equally as awesome. I don’t only need friends, I need people to LET ME BE their friend too. I need someone to not tiptoe around me and to tell me their struggles. I’m learning how to live this new normal.
I grieve the husband he was. He is an amazing husband and Dad now but I also grieve the husband he was. I grieve the marriage we had. I grieve the wisdom and knowledge that he brought into my life as my best friend and life partner. I miss the physical adventures and travel. I miss being taken care of.
I’m thankful for the hidden treasures. I’m thankful for how sensitive he is with me and the kids. I am thankful for the overflowing love that he has to share and give. I’m thankful that he fights like hell and gives us his all.
You know what though?
….It is well with my soul.
Even if I stop posting, please keep us each in prayers. We appreciate you.