Waiting for impact…

I have someone in my life who walked this road of being a wife and caregiver of a GBM patient many years before I even knew what it was.  It was a divine intervention that she was placed in my life to share her experience with me and give me words of advice that would lead me in decisions, give me strength in times of weakness, clarity in times of confusion, and a shield in times of difficulty way before I even knew I’d need it.  Last night was another time that her words were powerfully therapeutic to me.  She expressed that she is a bystander and she is watching a train coming right towards me, yet there is nothing she can do to stop the train from completely running over me.  She put into words exactly what I was feeling for me and for my kids.

We are standing on the train tracks and a train is coming and there is nothing I can do to brace myself for impact. I’m watching it head straight for us. Others are watching it head straight for us. They want to yell, scream, help….but none of us can do anything but watch it come.  We will get up again, we will pick up the pieces, but for now all we can do is stand here and wait for the train. It will destroy pieces of us, taking away parts that we feel like we can’t live without. There are no options but to be run over and feel destruction. As hard as I try to prepare or to be ready, there’s nothing I can do to truly prepare for impact.

I haven’t felt this way the whole journey, this is a feeling that I have now – 32 months into the journey as he is on hospice and continuing to decline.

I see that look in so many people’s eyes of “oh honey, you don’t even know what’s coming” in those moments when I do have it all together.  I see the joy and the blessing in this moment right now that I’m in.  I choose joy.  I choose to see the positive in the moment that I do have.  I will usually greet you with a smile, and the peace that I’m showing is real in those moments.  It isn’t me trying to be strong, or me trying to pretend like I have it all together. When I crumble, I crumble.  When I’m fine, I’m really fine. Sometimes I fight back tears during a conversation, sometimes I’m all smiles.

I’m not naive, I know it’s coming. I see it coming, and it terrifies me.  I know moments of unbearable grief are ahead. I have also experienced many moments of unbearable grief already.  We will feel the destruction and our world as we know it will crumble around us.  And then we will pick up the pieces, and we will survive a day at a time in the dark until we are able to see the morning again.

I share this to share how I’m really doing right now for so many people who truly love us, to be that beacon of light for someone else in the darkness of the journey, and to simply throw my feelings out there hoping it releases some peace into my life.

Seven years ago the kids, Mike and I went to a beach camping for New Years.  I took this photo at sunrise on the beach during that trip.  Today I added this verse to the photo.  This verse has been one that I’ve loved for many years.

GBM Blog - Joy comes in the Morning

 


6 responses to “Waiting for impact…

  • Dianna Hamilton

    Shauna-waiting for impact is so true at this point. I wish I could write like you to get my feelings out. I can tell you write from your heart. Please know that I care and understand. May God bring peace for all of you especially Mike. Prayers are still coming your way🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

  • Ali Gilbert

    Praying all the time for you and your family!

  • tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime

    What a perfect description of what it feels like. I have been exactly where you are and my heart aches for you. The waiting is so hard. Such a mix of emotions. I think of you often even though we have never met. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your sweet family.

  • Lynn McFarlane

    We lost my beautiful sis to this beast on the 4th of January this year and I am honestly coming to the conclusion we were very lucky. Lesley suffered this beast for 11 months and was eventually taken very quickly from us by a seizure, which she never woke up from. It could have been so very different and especially when kids are involved and the decline is long and painful.

    Stay strong and be kind to yourself, you have a million prayers pushing you on x

  • Uncle Bill & Aunt Joan

    To you,Mike and family our prayers are with you and wish we could be there. Our love to all of you

  • Esther Joy

    That verse has been special to me since the day I was born! It’s where my middle name came from as my mother struggled to give me birth. Struggling to choose joy in the midst of a train coming head on is indeed a GREAT challenge. My nephew’s wife had to face that train… Praying that you both find His grace sufficient… May God give you strength, peace, comfort, hope, and even JOY in the midst of your waiting and pain.

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