These days it seems that I hear every day “My brain isn’t working quite right” when Mike attempts to do something. I taught our 5 year old all the steps to make coffee. She knows how to talk Mike through each step of making his coffee and which buttons to push. Even those small things that I can have someone else help with (don’t underestimate a 5 year old!) give me just another moment to breathe and focus on something else. If you have kids, you know the feeling of constantly being NEEDED and how that can wear you down. I remind myself that it’s not the worst thing in the world to be needed.
Grooming has been a difficult area for us. I did learn that I can take him to the barbershop for a full face shave, its $25 each time though. I really thought “No big deal, I can shave him.” ha! As much trust as he has in me to do everything else, shaving is a whole different story. There are only certain barbers that have a license for shaving. He jokes “Yeah, I get nervous when you put a blade to my throat.”
Every now in then I catch myself thinking about the uncertain future, but then I remember all of the days I have already spent crying and grieving what we have already lost and I have to kick myself into another gear. I have to remind myself to enjoy today, because we still do HAVE today. Many GBM warriors that I have had the honor to follow don’t have today. What a waste of the gift of today to spend it crying or being fearful of the future. I really work on making it a point to tell myself not to let the pain of yesterday or the fear of the tomorrow steal today’s possible joy.
Our oldest is at church camp this week, but the rest of us went to the night church service and took a quick photo while we were out together. I want to capture as many good times as I can.
This is a photo that I took of the youngest. You all know by now that photos soothe my soul.
My friend sent this to me in the mail, and its a reminder of what “cancer cannot do” I saw this saying before when Mike was first diagnosed and it was always such an inspiration.
I now use the words on this sign as an encouragement to fight. I think “Don’t let cancer steal these.” Unfortunately, with brain cancer, it does steal so many things. It is an ugly monster. Brain cancer is a beast that takes so much before it actually takes a person’s life. It is not a pretty struggle. Brain cancer takes away many thoughts and functions before it takes away life. As a spouse, I will not let it silence my courage. So even when things aren’t pretty, I still try to blog. This blog was started to keep people updated and I honestly thought it was going to be an awesome testimony of a miraculous and quick healing. It has turned into something very different than what I intended. I have been encouraged in being told that I am an inspiration. That totally blows me away. I’m just as broken as the next person, yet, God uses me. It appears that instead of a quick miraculous healing, our journey has become the testimony and the inspiration.
Believing in God doesn’t make everything in life wonderful. I will tell you that having a relationship with God is what gets me through this. He comforts, heals, and provides when I feel like I simply cannot take another moment of this painful world. There are even moments that I feel nothing and I have to just sit on faith that He is working.
I created some bible verse signs in our home as a reminder to trust and pray daily. This is one of them.