Brain cancer is a thief. That’s the only way I can describe my feelings today. It’s 3:00pm and Mike is still in bed as he is typically every day. Others who have already lost their loved ones tell me to enjoy the moments we have and to be thankful for the moments we have….I try to, but it doesn’t make the grieving process of what we lose every day any easier. Mike has always been one to take notes and jot down to-do lists. He is having a hard time keeping his thoughts straight, so he asked for a notebook. He said he would jot down the things that he wanted to get done and try to organize his thoughts on paper. I came across that paper today….
…And it was heartbreaking…
It is so sad to think about everything that brain cancer is stealing from Mike and from our family each day. I can’t even imagine his struggle and his feelings about all of this. I can only share my struggles and my heartbreaks having a husband who has stage 4 brain cancer. Little by little brain cancer has stolen things that I used to take for granted. For me as the wife – I have essentially become a single parent. Not only a single parent, but a caregiver to my husband as well. I could list all of the ways that my life has changed, but as I started it just felt like I was whining, so I backed it up. I will just say that brain cancer is a thief. I’m watching my husband disappear before my eyes. For 19 months I have watched him fight for his life and struggle. I’m not losing hope for a miracle, but that doesn’t make each day walking through this any more bearable. I catch myself almost sugar coating what we go through so that others don’t feel the same pain that we do, but being inspiring and uplifting for everyone else and then struggling silently feels hypocritical.
When I first thought about sharing this, I thought “Nope.” Who wants their deficits blogged about?! Not me, that’s for sure. I don’t want someone blogging about how I am lacking grace or patience some days. But then I thought “Does keeping specific struggles private make them any easier?” Not for him, and not for anyone that cares for him. Reading this might be painful. I’m sure it will bring some to tears. But its our reality right now. And it sucks. Our lives have been turned upside down.
I’m sure a lot of moms can relate to feeling completely overwhelmed and in over their heads with everyday life in general. I know that feeling isn’t reserved for just what I am going through. The days that I feel pulled in too many directions with too many needs of others, I try to remind myself that its not the worst thing in the world to be needed. I remind myself to see the blessings and cherish the moments that are good.