January 18, 2014

Brain cancer is a thief.  That’s the only way I can describe my feelings today. It’s 3:00pm and Mike is still in bed as he is typically every day.  Others who have already lost their loved ones tell me to enjoy the moments we have and to be thankful for the moments we have….I try to, but it doesn’t make the grieving process of what we lose every day any easier.  Mike has always been one to take notes and jot down to-do lists.  He is having a hard time keeping his thoughts straight, so he asked for a notebook.  He said he would jot down the things that he wanted to get done and try to organize his thoughts on paper.  I came across that paper today….

image

…And it was heartbreaking…

It is so sad to think about everything that brain cancer is stealing from Mike and from our family each day.  I can’t even imagine his struggle and his feelings about all of this.  I can only share my struggles and my heartbreaks having a husband who has stage 4 brain cancer.  Little by little brain cancer has stolen things that I used to take for granted.  For me as the wife – I have essentially become a single parent. Not only a single parent, but a caregiver to my husband as well.  I could list all of the ways that my life has changed, but as I started it just felt like I was whining, so I backed it up.  I will just say that brain cancer is a thief.  I’m watching my husband disappear before my eyes.  For 19 months I have watched him fight for his life and struggle.  I’m not losing hope for a miracle, but that doesn’t make each day walking through this any more bearable. I catch myself almost sugar coating what we go through so that others don’t feel the same pain that we do, but being inspiring and uplifting for everyone else and then struggling silently feels hypocritical.

When I first thought about sharing this, I thought “Nope.”  Who wants their deficits blogged about?! Not me, that’s for sure.  I don’t want someone blogging about how I am lacking grace or patience some days.  But then I thought “Does keeping specific struggles private make them any easier?”  Not for him, and not for anyone that cares for him.  Reading this might be painful.  I’m sure it will bring some to tears.  But its our reality right now. And it sucks.  Our lives have been turned upside down.

I’m sure a lot of moms can relate to feeling completely overwhelmed and in over their heads with everyday life in general.  I know that feeling isn’t reserved for just what I am going through.  The days that I feel pulled in too many directions with too many needs of others, I try to remind myself that its not the worst thing in the world to be needed.  I remind myself to see the blessings and cherish the moments that are good.


6 responses to “January 18, 2014

  • Robin

    Praying for you and your family. Thanks for keeping us informed and praying for you. My heart breaks for you and all who are experiencing a loss of a loved one thru this terrible thief.

    Love Robin

  • Paige Eden

    Someone someday will come across this post and be walking in very similar shoes….and your honesty will bless them and they will feel less alone than they did before they read this. One of the wonderful and horrible ways your pain has a purpose. Be blessed!

  • 44mom

    I’m so thankful for your blog. I’m the mom who got dx oct 31. There are so many posts that I really relate with. I either relate with my/ your situation but also I worry about your/my family. What’s hard is there are few blogs out there and within each case seems totally different. It’s hard to even compare any of us of where we are at each point. The brain is unpredictable as is.

    I hope my brain let me typed this. I just wanted to hug you for sharing this blog with me. I would give anything to have some families by me but I think this is so rare. Gb is just such a weird multiple sickness all happening at once. I will pray for our families 🙂 im trying to think one day at a time.

  • Heather

    Thank you for sharing this blog. Yes, I agree it is a thief. God Bless you with a miracle.

  • homesbody

    It’s more than a year since you posted that sample of the handwriting and I came across it today .. I am six months from my diagnosis and doing radiation and Temodar… I can’t write any more either… A change in my hand writing was my first indication that something was wrong It’s so hard not to grieve the losses, my biggest grief is the loss of the mother and grandmother and wife that I used to be … I don’t feel as though many people understand the pain that loss ( i’m grateful for iPads that have the dictation feature )

    • shaunaemmons

      I’ve learned that you do have to let yourself grieve the losses. It’s ok to be sad about those things. I’m so sorry for your struggle. I hope you find joy too each day. Our home is like a roller coaster. We laugh, we cry, we laugh again. I know it’s hard, I’m sure you feel alone a lot of days like many of us do.

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