Life is good. Life is hard. Life can even downright suck at times. There are moments of extreme heartbreak. But out of that heartbreak (for me anyways) has been born this amazing feeling of cherishing moments. I cherished moments before, but now I cherish them in such a magnitude that I never experienced before and in the midst of the turmoil, I can feel complete delight, appreciation and contentment in a moment with my kids. I have a big ole “Praise God” every time I have those moments. They are truly glorious moments.
Our Thanksgiving weekend has been rough. Mike had a really rough couple of days. He went to bed on Friday evening and he didn’t get out of bed again until afternoon on Sunday. Those days are scary. We try to figure out what is causing this….could it be an aggressive tumor growth since the last MRI, it could be fatigue from his blood levels being affected from the chemo, it could be residual effects from the radiation….we just don’t know and our minds go everywhere trying to figure it out. When he is stuck in bed like that I fear that he will develop blood clots, that he will continue to lose muscle mass, or that he will develop a lung problem. There are just so many reasons I have to try to get him out of bed and moving around. That is heart wrenching for me. He is feeling like crap and wants to sleep, so part of me just wants to let him rest and have peace. The other part of me wants to get his body moving so that he can recover from this. To get those muscles moving, lungs working, and heart beating enough to remind his body that he is still in the fight.
I know that this is a terminal cancer.
I know its an aggressive cancer.
I know that there is no cure.
I know that his chances of surviving are even less now that he has a recurrence that isn’t operable.
I know that the typical prognosis is just months after a recurrence.
But for whatever reason, I still have HOPE. I still imagine us growing old together and sitting on the porch of an old country house sitting in rocking chairs and enjoying the breeze and the view with coffee in hand. I still have hope that he will walk his daughters down the isle one day. That he will hold his grandchildren one day and be the fun PopPop that they always get to go fishing with and have adventure.
I know that he may end up going to heaven way before I’m ready for him too. And thats a beautiful ending too. Its just not the one I’m ready to accept. I will accept it if and when I have to. I’m sure heaven beats the life we are living here on earth a million fold anyways.
I want to create and cherish as many memories as possible in the time we have. So I did start the holiday season early. I’m decorating and getting in the mood for the cheer that the holidays are supposed to bring. I ended up decorating by myself, but it was worth it. I’m just going to be cheerful and excited for Christmas and hope that it rubs off on the others.
In your life….. Hug often. Love hugely. Stop to see and appreciate the glorious moments. Take lots of pictures. Find the opportunities to laugh, even when you feel like a grump. Marvel in the beauty that is around you. Be inspired to be better always. Love people. And by love them, I mean use actions that prove it.
I’m sharing some photos that I took this evening. I was having a hard time adjusting to not being a photographer and my gear was packed up in the garage. I’ve really been craving some camera time.
I am doing a “25 books of Christmas” with the little one this year. Each night we unwrap a book and either I or her brother or sister will read her the book that night under the tree.
Tonight Raven piled up on the couch to hear the story too read by big sis. What a GREAT big sis she is!!!!
I was talking to a psychiatrist about the kids and their dad’s diagnosis. She said the best therapy for them would be their dog Shiloh. She told me to allow them to snuggle him in their beds (even though I’m not a fan of dog hair!) Well, I would do anything in the world for my kids not to have to go through the pain of them watching their Dad go through Brain Cancer and face losing their Dad to this horrible beast. So we ended up with two more dogs. Some days I feel like I have way too many responsibilities and I feel like I had a lapse in sanity when I got these dogs….but these dogs honestly ARE good therapy for the kids.
Realistically I have to face the fact that chances are, this could be Mike’s last Christmas with us. So I do plan on having the best Christmas ever! I have started the decorating and I’m just working on getting that “holiday cheer” and an atmosphere of excitement in the house. I’d SO love to have tons and tons of presents under the tree, but that isn’t what Christmas is all about anyways. It sure would make it more exciting though!! lol But for real, I’m determined to set the mood for a great holiday season.
This photo is only here to show that I am flexing my artistic muscles again and getting out my camera for enjoyment.