This will be a random blog because I don’t have an organized idea, just some random thoughts. I wanted to share the fact that despite being positive this past year, Mike and I are having a really rough week dealing with the emotional side of all of this. It is pretty much impossible to try to share my thoughts and feelings right now. We are both just feeling the weight of all of this emotionally. We did have a great day today though. We went to a friends house and went swimming. In the midst of this trial and tribulation, I’m using every ounce of strength that I have to get our family out to spend quality time together. It is not easy at all. Neither one of us feel like trying to enjoy “today.” We are emotionally drained and we are scared. We want to have hope, but we also want to prepare ourselves in case we get bad news. We want to have faith and stand strong on the fact that no matter what happens, God’s got this. Its one thing to say all that and try to believe it, but in the span of a day it is a rollercoaster of hope, fear, faith, confidence, terror, anxiety, joy, thankfulness, anger, defeat, strength, weakness, exhaustion, frustration….everything all at once – and thats hard. To top it off, all the while I’m praising God….and that doesn’t even make sense to me. There is religion – knowing what you should do, knowing who God is supposed to be, and then there is personal relationship. Knowing who God is though experience. Knowing who God is because you feel His love and experience Him daily. Knowing He is there because He hasn’t failed you yet and He has established a track record in your life for proving that He uses all things for good for those that love Him.
I don’t understand much of it with my head, but my heart is learning some things this year. I have a long way to go. One moment I feel 100% that God has got this. There are moments of peace and strength that are simply a miracle. I have experienced peace and strength that can only be explained by God’s grace and mercy. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t. Without God I am none of those glorious things that get me through gracefully. Even after those experiences, I turn around, the rollercoaster gets to the bottom and I ask “God, do I even know you?” “Am I your daughter?” I know better than to doubt. But I still doubt for a moment. God is still there. He has never forsaken me.
When I was 16 years old, I was involved with a guy that was unhealthy for me to be around. I had a pager at the time. I had an urgency in my spirit to go to a tent meeting with Rock Church. I went knowing God was going to do something.
I sat through that service distracted, not paying attention because this guy was paging me every 2 minutes. There were no cell phones, and there were no pay phones around either. At the end the speaker came up to me and said “Can I pray for you?” “Stand and raise your hands, don’t be scared” He said I was dealing with great tribulation in my mind and that I had been struggling with a nervous condition my whole life and that it was gone. Healed. (I had ulcers since age 5, and they have never came back since that night of healing) He also said that my mind was in great torment, which it was. Let me tell you, I was in a state of complete torment in my mind. Earlier in the week I felt like I had to go to Rock Church and have someone high in the church and closer to the Lord pray for me for that prayer to be heard. You know what that guy said during the tent meeting? “God hears your prayers just as he hears the prayers of those that seem to be strong in the Lord” “God hears those prayers that you pray in proxy for” “God is going to turn the heart of one around. Your prayers regarding his life are going to come to pass.” WOW. For years I didn’t know what that meant. I would wonder, Who’s heart was He turning around? I wasn’t praying for anyone. Now I see. In 1996, God was telling me this. I held on to it through the years that were rough starting in 1998.
Now in 2013, God HAS turned Mikes heart around. Mind blown.
I don’t know the plans that God has for Mike, but God has proven that he has a plan. I just hope that the plan is for Mike to be on this earth.
I’m going to work hard at enjoying moments and days, and taking lots and lots of pictures of the good times. Here are some of those pictures from today.