I’ve really had a hard time with blogging lately. I did post one, and then I deleted it shortly after. I’m not sure why, it wasn’t even really an update on Mike, but just a general blog about not fighting alone. I tend to deal with struggles alone and to shy away from people when things get tough. So I guess it felt very personal.
I didn’t check to see when or what my last update was, but we had a Duke trip in April and the MRI is still clean with no new growth or tumors. This is great news, but it doesn’t make the daily fight any easier. I try to be honest with my updates, and I think that because I haven’t felt uplifting and inspiring, I haven’t known what to write about. So I will just be honest in the moment. One moment I feel like we’ve got this, and then the next I feel weak and overwhelmed. We feel tired, hopeless and defeated one moment, and then we get a spurt of hope and renewed strength and are ready to face it head on. Its a roller coaster of emotions on any given day. Just to be honest. Its hard to find a balance between giving those positive, uplifting and encouraging updates, and also being honest with the daily struggles that we face. We kinda feel like we lose fights daily, but we are still winning the battle. We appreciate all the support from everyone who encourages us along the way, but just like you can imagine, we have days where each of us feels alone. But we are battle buddies and we will keep fighting this battle, even on the days that we don’t feel like it.
We are 10 months into the diagnosis with 7 chemo treatments (so about 7 months) left on this clinical trial.
Mike is no longer working. This was a huge leap. He’s always been the financial provider for our family. After retiring from the Marine Corps, his plan was to spend another 20 years in cyber security working for the government, and then retire from this position.
The reason I share all this is to make a point….Our plans are just that…ours. As carefully as we try to plan things out, we just don’t know whats going to happen or what God’s will is. I have to believe that God has better plans for us then we had for ourselves. On a good day we will joke about how “lucky” he is to be retired at 43. And if you know Mike, you know his sense of humor and can imagine when he says “lucky – except for the whole brain tumor/cancer part.” And he will throw his hands up and shake his head and laugh.
So at this point all I can tell you is that we still don’t know what to expect as we wait on the financial stuff to get worked out, but I can tell you that God has provided and I’m thankful.