October 21

I haven’t posted since Mike’s celebration.  I was very happy that so many people came to celebrate with us.  I am pretty sure I walked in circles all night amazed with the amount of people that were here.  It was an amazing night and I’m so thankful that Mike has so many people that care about him.  There were about 45-50 people here!

So an update on how Mike is feeling…he is working as much as possible so that leaves him too tired for anything else.  He is battling headaches and that foggy feeling, so he spends his time off in bed or watching tv.  I try to spend time in there when I can but I still have the every day household and children issues to deal with.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is how I hope (in my life in general, not because of Mike’s illness) that I took full advantage of each moment in life.  I catch myself letting moments pass by without really living in the moment due to frustration, depression, or distractions.  Some days I feel like I am just surviving, but I want to feel like I am living each moment, not only surviving it.  In life you never know when you will look back at a time or day that you thought was a struggle or a “bad day” and realize that it was actually the time of your life.  Some days are better than others. Embrace the good ones, survive the bad ones, and don’t forget to live in the moment to its fullest potential.

I am in an online support group with other caregivers of gbm patients.   It is informative and much needed emotional support, but it also puts such a burden on my heart.  This cancer is a monster.  One of the ladies in the group lost her soulmate a week ago to this horrible disease. She posted at the beginning of the month that he was deteriorating and I was saddened when I read that he passed away.  I want to honor the lives of those who lose to this battle, but I also don’t want to discourage anyone or bring hope levels down.  These other patients are on my mind daily and I really do feel a burden on my heart for them.  I pray for them. There is a child fighting, a 21 year old man, fathers, husbands…anyways, if you are a patient or caregiver, please know that my heart is with you daily and I do pray for each of you daily.  Especially for those who posted a request under my prayer offer in the group.

I am striving for complete peace and strength as I also believe in healing for Mike.  I know I can’t create it, that God has to be the one to deliver.   I’m having a hard time and I half joked that if this was a convenient time for a nervous breakdown that I would probably have one any second. I am really fighting to stay above water and to just “be ok.”   I don’t understand this need to be strong for everyone, but I’m pretty sure its silly.  My family is struggling right now.  All of us in different ways.  Its just a bad season in life – but that goes back to me wanting to be sure to embrace each day, because you never know when you will look back at your “bad days” and realize they were the best days that you are going to have in awhile.

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